A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Generation gap…
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night