Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
cat vs inanimate object
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
found this cool rock hiking today
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop