Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
🖤✌🏽
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.