How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
You Might Also Like
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Chicken bread
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?