I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…