Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
guys I’m going home
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.