Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…