credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?