Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.