judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
What my back needs
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Huge, if true.