The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I鈥檝e never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*pronounces fake like sak茅*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Two reasons I don鈥檛 trust people:
1. I don鈥檛 know them.
2. I know them.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Slip 鈥榥 Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom鈥檚 bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it鈥檚 because that鈥檚 where women hide the good snacks
real
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Dasani water taste like it鈥檚 been sitting in a water gun