My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
What kind of a cult is this?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk