If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics