We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My kitchen overserved me.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
🤣🤣🤣
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
no one likes gloating
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃