If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.