Horrifying if literal: shit storm
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Yup.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.