ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Hero horse inspires millions
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.