[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.