Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed