You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
You Might Also Like
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.