“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.