[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
(Jupiter –
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
couldn’t resist
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
This could be us but you eatin’
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit