Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
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I鈥檓 learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can鈥檛 find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I don鈥檛 care if it鈥檚 red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you鈥檝e got 99 of anything, I鈥檓 scheduling an intervention
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: Now that I鈥檓 an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.