me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*puts cutlery down*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent