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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards