Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
That’s classic.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Wait, let me explain..”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”