If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…