Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry