a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Pikachu found the lost joint
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
guilty
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there