Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.