Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
And then there were 4
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry