So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
man i love columbo
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.