Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*