Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.