colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.