As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.