Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My sex drive has a dui
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills