Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.