Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
HR said no more nunchucks.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.