Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I only eat vegetarians.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day