*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Nothing to do, you say?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch