6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I cannot call her anything else now
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
A little too much information.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.