Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
When you don’t understand how floors work
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.