There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla