oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.