The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Seems kinda suspicious
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face