“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
socratic questions
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same