*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?