Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary