i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney